She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she peed on how many people?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
