The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
