where am i from again
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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