My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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