i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
