Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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