guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
