I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
