Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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