yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
