Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
