His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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