Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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