Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
