Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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