Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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