Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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