I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
