the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize