SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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