i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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