I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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