I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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