We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
