yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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