I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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