ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
