I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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