apparently the secret to your success is patron
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
