I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
