Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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