I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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