he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
