She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
