Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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