I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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