Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
