I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
