see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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