Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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