just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
