we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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