I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
