So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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