Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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