Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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