if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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