I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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