who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
