i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone stole a lamp last night.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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