Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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