it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
