Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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