I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize