i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
