She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
