we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
