you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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